god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
