You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
