Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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