There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize