I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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