I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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