Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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