dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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