Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
