I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
