I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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