I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I have tasted many bathrooms
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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