Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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