I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize