I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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