U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Randomize