Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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