You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
