Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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