so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
