I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
sex in a hospital.. check
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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