get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
