i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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