whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
