Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
