I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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