i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
