I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
