Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
