I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
