Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
