Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize