Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
