Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
