I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
