i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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