I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Boobs speak an international language.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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