it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
