Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
