tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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