Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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