i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
there's paper in my vomit.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Randomize
