I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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