Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
