i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
