Your mouth is God's brothel.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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