My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
