No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
