I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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