I need to stop coming to work sober
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
