My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I have aggressive nipples.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize