I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
