cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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