I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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