4 words: hood of his car
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
