Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
50% drunk capacity currently
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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