i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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