he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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