i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just invented taco cereal.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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