It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
