Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
