Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Come share oat with me in your robe
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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